Nerf Develops New Line Of Biological Weapons
PAWTUCKET, RI—Nerf, the popular toy manufacturer, announced Tuesday that it was introducing a new line of foam-based biological weapons capable of causing "massive outbreaks of fun."
Supreme Court Upholds Freedom Of Speech In Obscenity-Filled Ruling
WASHINGTON—In a decisive and vulgar 7-2 ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court once again upheld the constitution's First Amendment this week, calling the freedom of expression among the most "inalienable and important rights that a motherfucker can have."
Tony Gwynn Mentioned 72 Times During Guided Tour Of Padres Stadium
SAN DIEGO—Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn's name was uttered 72 times and indirectly referenced on another 36 instances during a guided tour of Petco Park, sources reported Tuesday. "There's Tony Gwynn's No. 19 over the center field wall there, and beyond that is the picnic area where countless Padre fans have chanted Tony Gwynn's name or at least thought about Tony Gwynn," said tour guide Hank Classon, adding that Tony Gwynn would have patrolled right field in Petco Park had he not retired three years before it opened. "Our groundskeepers always keeps the pitcher's mound pristine, since that's where we wish to have Padres great Tony Gwynn throw out the first pitch of all our future games. Look, everyone, there's manager Bud Black! Yes, I wish he were Tony Gwynn." Current Padres slugger Adrian Gonzalez was mentioned zero times
Pickup Truck Stoled
LOGANSPORT, IN—Right out there, right in plain damn sight, a pickup truck got stoled last night out by the Murphy place, sources done reported Thursday.
According to eyewitnesses who seen it parked there, the truck, one of them nice Ford F-150 XLTs with the 4x4 and some real professional-type detail work that probably cost a bundle, was black.
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